Well, today I learnt that I am in just a little too much in a rush. Lifeshock:Chris tells me he is going for another job in his school which will take him into a higher tax bracket. Mindtalk: it's not fair, we're the same age, I am not trying hard enough, stupid, useless me. Oh, those separating emotions were flooding through me.

I had talked earlier to Lorraine on the phone - first conversation with someone I feel I already know through various references to her. She is very experienced. She heard the drive in my voice: 'I can't just sit here waiting, I've got to find another job, and push things on ...' 'Be careful with that drive - you might use this situation to learn patience' she said, and I felt resentful! Mindtalk: I'm not driven, I'm basically a lazy bastard, and I've finally found a way to get myself to do something, and you're pouring cold water on it ...

So the two lifeshocks informed eachother, as they so often do, and I knew I had to deal with the resentment. Interesting. The biggest cost of the resentment was the separation from Chris and I found his love and care for me had got totally obliterated. I remembered the times he had encouraged me, urged me to go for jobs in his school, hooked me up with some therapists so I could see if that was what I wanted to do. And one of the reasons we are friends is because we have the same deep commitment to the equality of opportunity for those most deprived of it. We recognise those qualities in eachother. How can I feel resentment towards someone who shares my deepest values? Would I really rather he was less successful and therefore helped fewer people? How absurd!

And I don't think I will apply for that job. (It's setting up a mentoring project) It's not exactly what I want to do. It doesn't have the scope that I want. I will wait and see what comes up. Yep, patience. Just be. Am I happy just being me? Yeah - cos just being me is about as fine as things can get !!!