Interestingly, went to mastery class today but felt very disconnected. I didn't much want to go but have discovered before that one can go with that attitude and notice it change. Tonight it didn't and I had my old let's fuck this up kind of thoughts, taking the piss with Tessa who I did the weekend with and who refused to keep to any of the disciplines. I will have to take the steps I have chosen - find out what they do with all the money and why they only recruit by word of mouth. I am also noticing a sort of fundementalism about the proceedures which I don't like. What is rather disconcerting is that these thoughts have created a flip over in my feelings - when I was talking to one of the new trainees this evening about the changes in my life, I was pissed off that I could no longer feel really excited about them. I've said I won't be back for the last one which I am entitled to do. And yet .... I would still love Ann to do the weekend, I am sure it would do her good. It's just that I seem to have a need to believe in something - maybe my parents have created this need in me. Given how much I hate fundamentalism, I am now wondering whether I am actually just deeply attached to it. I know the christians would say it is a religious instinct. Of course, I would counter by saying it is obviously an evolutionary neccessity that we believe deeply in things, and this has produced religions. God, what a tedious thing to have an arguement about. I'm going to bed - inspection at college tomorrow !!! (like I care - one of the best things the weekend has given me is the relief from stress over such things)