i am amazed that this blog still exists - I got pissed off with the fact that it never appeared in the listings so couldnt see the point in making an effort to keep it going, but am glad that there is a little bit of cyberspace that will be forever mine. i can see that I can come back to this space whenever i feel the need to make some kind of memorial of a moment in my life. Not that today feels particulalary like that, but there has been a media frenzy about blogging recently so I keep being remined of it and was interested in seeing if I still existed. That thought fits with tonight's conversation with Ann in pub in Marleybone Lane about my perception that I might stop existing at some point, if pushed too far, if my presentation of myself was challenged. We had a chat about fears, and I said that I thought her fears were a bit wimpy - mine were far more virulent. She just feels fear but doesnt actually do anything as a result - I go to the doctor and say I think Ive got cancer - can I see a specialist to convice me that I havent? ( although as I then told Ann I actually secretlly want the specialist to find that I do have it - then my life will become really meaningful and I will get the attention that i crave).

Oh the terror of the fear that I felt through November, December and January - I really thought my life was over. D had no idea how effective his scare tactics would be - I wanted to lie on the floor in front of him so that he could kick the shit out of me so that it would be over.

Oh yes, it is all very much over now - funny reading the last entry in the blog. If only I'd let D go - if I thought the week after splitting up was painful, I could never have imagined the pain that I was to experience as a result of D's anger.