Reeaaly late, so I'll keep it short.

It was team meet day today, and I now I feel ready for next weekend. What an excellent feeling, to be with a whole bunch of people that you feel you could trust with your life, literally and figuratively. On the way there I suddenly imagined what it would be like to spend a day with my father, and felt all my longing for a father who I was really close too. I was overwhelmed, and entered the training room a little shaky, but rather excited by previously unimaginable possibilities.

Good evening in Rasa, Stoky, with Dan and Ann. I wonder if my lack of resentment has an effect on them - conversation certainly seemed a bit less bitchy than normal, though maybe I used to encourage and even start it. At lunchtime I had asked Ann if she wanted to go on the weekend and she had practically agreed there and then, but it's a pity she can't go to the last introductory evening tomorrow. If I had asked her earlier ...

Tonight Dan told us about this amazing house on a Greek Island we can stay at over Easter for £160 a week. It sounds fabulous, tiny village, no tourists, but Ann can't fly. I mused on whether I should say that if she did the weekend I would guarantee she would be able to fly with us, or I'd pay the fee, but decided that was a bit of a risk, though as I write this I am thinking that it would be true to say that she would be able to face her fears. Yes, I'll tell her that tomorrow.

Well, today I learnt that I am in just a little too much in a rush. Lifeshock:Chris tells me he is going for another job in his school which will take him into a higher tax bracket. Mindtalk: it's not fair, we're the same age, I am not trying hard enough, stupid, useless me. Oh, those separating emotions were flooding through me.

I had talked earlier to Lorraine on the phone - first conversation with someone I feel I already know through various references to her. She is very experienced. She heard the drive in my voice: 'I can't just sit here waiting, I've got to find another job, and push things on ...' 'Be careful with that drive - you might use this situation to learn patience' she said, and I felt resentful! Mindtalk: I'm not driven, I'm basically a lazy bastard, and I've finally found a way to get myself to do something, and you're pouring cold water on it ...

So the two lifeshocks informed eachother, as they so often do, and I knew I had to deal with the resentment. Interesting. The biggest cost of the resentment was the separation from Chris and I found his love and care for me had got totally obliterated. I remembered the times he had encouraged me, urged me to go for jobs in his school, hooked me up with some therapists so I could see if that was what I wanted to do. And one of the reasons we are friends is because we have the same deep commitment to the equality of opportunity for those most deprived of it. We recognise those qualities in eachother. How can I feel resentment towards someone who shares my deepest values? Would I really rather he was less successful and therefore helped fewer people? How absurd!

And I don't think I will apply for that job. (It's setting up a mentoring project) It's not exactly what I want to do. It doesn't have the scope that I want. I will wait and see what comes up. Yep, patience. Just be. Am I happy just being me? Yeah - cos just being me is about as fine as things can get !!!