Great blog yesterday - sounds like the fast show.

Very tired today so writing this now before I go out. Last night I went out with students and talked about how I would eventually live in Barcelona. My presentation of my life as adventure sounded very plausible, I must say.

I was a bit shocked when Enriquo told me he has an English girlfriend - how can some men be so stupid? His eyes are of that deep pool variety which hypnotise with the apparent depth of connection that they are signalling.

Today came into work and Cathy gave me a packet of dates. 'Left over from Christmas, were they,' I said, and immediately felt like shit because even before she replied I realised they were a present. Is there any connection with yesterday? (relates to lost blog). There may be, but even if there isn't, such behaviour contrasts with my stingy, punishing attitude which is so typical of my resentment. I must share this at mastery next week.

Great day today, I have been full of love. I wrote loads and I have just lost it all which is mildly irritating. Is there a difference between BLT and ALT? ... YES THERE IS! (Note to myself: this day's blog was entitled Ecstasy on Oxford Street)

yeah, so I am sooo sorted. This evening, at the mastery course, I did a cost process on Cathy at work who I felt so resentful of as she is so hopeless, and Rabia. Easy outcomes: Rabia I need to tell that I no longer trust her and that our friendship is at an end. Cathy ....... I decided to love her, and suddenly felt full of love. Can't explain it, it just happened. It would seem that you can just decide to love someone if you can get in touch with your core.

Then Devi goes and blows it all, when I tell them about my experience of the evening afterwards in the pub, by getting all agressive about my feelings of resentment towards Cathy. I was screaming inside ' but I just told you I fucking love her you fucking idiot', but kept my cool and Paul was expert at keeping dialogue going. I missed the last tube home and Devi drove me home, despite living in Heathrow. (I live in Bethnal Green.) We seem to have got on OK, and I don't feel any strong feelings towards her. I suggested that a prolonged analysis of our mutual resentments was perhaps not productive. We talked about countries we had lived in and that was a much easier conversation. I am going to be very pissed off tomorrow however, as I do not anticipate getting my eight hours.

Apart from Devi, I discovered a whole heap of resentments though, enough to keep me going for a while. If processing one can have such a positive result, I am very motivatated to try processing the rest. That' s Marks and Spencer, Roy, Ann, Steven Byers, Dan, Simon, the driver who cut me up on the way to work, Amelda, Felis, that teacher at Westminster college that I can't stand, Hackney council ... and anyone who knows me.

What do you write on the first day of your new blog? I just wanted somewhere to record my attempts to become the person I've always felt I had a right to be. So each day should detail some new act of creation - if it goes right - or some musings on where I've gone wrong. Actually today has seen no major advances, although I felt strongly in control in class and my students seemed to be really connecting with me.

I've invited them all out to the pub on Thursday night - have to be careful with that word invite - it means you pay for all the drinks in Spanish and probably Italian too - I said I would be sharing my time, not my wallet. (That's cos students traditionally buy their teachers beer - long held British custom).

I really wanted to speak to Ann about doing the weekend, but she was in such a tizz. 'Today, I am the manager of the school.. - no one else takes any responsibilty round here.' I said to Devi, who called me to find out how my recruiting was going, that I would contact Ann on Sunday but I didn't do it, and I'm not sure why - I had plenty of time. I even had a conversation with her where it could have come up naturally, or at least easily.

I am feeling rather guilty about not contacting anyone to find out how their recruitment is going. I haven't had the time and I'm sure I'm going to be emailed to give an account of myself tomorrow. Anyway, tommorow is dealing with resentment day, so if I'm feeling pissed off with too much LT hassle, I will be able to deal with it.

Somtimes I wonder if there is such a difference between BLT and ALT, as Dan and Ann, and now I, call it.

Oh, checked with Level 42 - I have booked for 1st Feb. I looked towards the lifts and felt a little sick. They said we would have to stand if there is more than five of us - we would still be able to be by the windows. I think I must have been imagining myself snuggled up in some huge armchair in a corner, because I was not best pleased at this news. If I hated the London Eye, what the hell am I letting myself in for? Well at least it doesn't go round - does it? And the daft thing is it's MY idea for MY birthday treat.