Last night dropped into As on way back from Sainsburys at about 6, as we had talked about going out last night and thought I would sort out a plan for the evening. Ended up staying till 1.30am. Didnt go to Duckie as had arranged with B and the Carols. For about 3 or 4 hours we had a combatory conversation about whether there was such a thing as historical development or not. A is adamant that the only thing that exists is conciousness and it has no history or future - it only exists in the present. Everything else is constructed by the mind. I argued that just as evolution applies to bodies, it also applies to culture (Richard Dawkins and memes) and it was illogical to accept one form of evolution but not the other. My argument that I was pleased that I lived in the 21st century and not the 15th as I may well have been roasted alive on a griddle iron did not convince. My argument that I would rather live in the 21st century because in the 15th century we wouldnt have had the mental architecture to have been able to have the conversation (chances are neither of us would have been able to read or have met anyone outside our village) didnt convince either. His belief about conciousness makes a conversation about it just another story - mere mental masturbation as he described it. In fact there is absolutely nothing that I can say that will persuade him otherwise.

What I could have said in retrospect is that if what he says is true there is no objective way he can prove it - anyone could legitimately say that his belief is just yet another construct. Damn, must try that out next time.

I said that if it was true that an individual had no 'agency', then it was pointless getting out of bed in the morning - my belief in my power to change things for the better gave meaning to my existence. I got quite messianic, talking about 'standing at the head of history with the whole evolution of ideas behind me, playing my tiny part in moving history a bit futher as the future stretches on before me'. A is fond of saying that the sadhus of India who lie in the road waiting for others to feed them are truly enlightened as they make no effort whatsoever, so I knew exactly what he was thinking when I said that !

Just as well that when we both finally admitted exhaustion and I said it was time to go, we hugged and he said he loved me. And strangely enough, I felt full of love for him too, even though I know that if it was anyone other than A I wouldn't give someone with those ideas the time of day. In many ways my relationship with A is the most mature one I have ever had. We couldnt be more unlike yet even in profound disagreement we grow closer.

Bank holiday - loose end. Just as well however, as got really trashed on Saturday night, with a little bit of chemical stimulation. First time I've been out with B from work - we went to Duckie's which I havent been to for about six years. She was with lesbian couple who are best mates of her's and one of whom was celebrating a birthday. There were a couple of young queens with them. The lesbians both told me they had heard lots about me which I found slightly odd - I may have mentioned B to my friends once or twice, but I'm pretty sure none of my friends would be able to recall her name.

Then I got told that what B had missed out was how attractive I was, and then I got told I was a great dancer, and so it went on. My head turned, and slightly drug fueled, I actually went up to a guy I'd been observing and said 'You're really attractive, are you with anyone?' This is possibly the first time in my 46 year old life that I have ever done such a thing, and I felt proud at the time. Unfortunately I feel rather sad now that my experience of the self possesion needed to do that is so very rarely within my reach.

Today, much praise for work done from Anna as she and I prepared to report to out strand 3 'implementation group'. It's nice to be praised but after all these years I'd still rather be told that I'm not doing well enough and I need to work harder. I accept that some good things have happened, but they always seem to me to happen accidentally. I never seem to feel any sense of agency.

Last night I was supposed to meet Dan for a last Berger event in Shoreditch. I realised I was going to be late so jumped on bike and pedalled hard. As I went down to bottom gear to get onto London Bridge, the back derailleur caught in the back wheel spokes and the bike came to an abrupt stop. I carried it across the road to the rather coveniently sited Evans, and left it there. The derailleur was lodged so tightly in the spokes that only the destruction of the spokes was going to get it out of the wheel, and the bit that hold the derailleur on had snapped off.

I carried on to Shoreditch, and was desperately eating a sandwich when Chris called to say that Paul was in London for the evening. Realising that I was an hour and a half late anyway, I agreed to jump on the tube and come down to Brixton. Great time in the pub where the usual conversation around 'drugs we have known' ensued. How I wish I was 21, unemployed and in Leeds, instead of being 21, very employed and in Muscat drinking huge amounts of vodka to cope with being cut adrift from friends and any semblance of the culture I had become accustomed too. Mind you, the sex was good.

Spent afternoon in Regents Park with Armand and Andy, having the usual silly desultory conversation. Armand got quite ill - his temperature started to soar at the end of the walk. Started with a splendid lunch that Armand cooked - tongue with parsley and gherkins. The evening's entertainment was to be a film at the Rio- the Edukators - so I was easily excused. I have a bit of a problem with Andy and Armand's group of friends. I dont want to become absorbed into it. I want to remain in control of who my friends are, and when friends go off and make new friends it is not good enough for them to presume that I will naturally want to spend time with them. I dont particularly like Dan's friends either, or even Chris's. If there is to be any expansion of my friendship base, it makes sense that I decide that, not them. Trouble is its a tricky subject to discuss with friends - so one ends up not discussing it at all.

Went to see The Edukators tonight - cracking film. Plot a little creaky but its so well acted and directed that one's not going to quibble ... Made me soooooooooo glad I'm not 22 anymore - god the pain of relationships. Once you've got past 40 there really is no excuse for putting yourself through all that emotion. I was talking to Armand about this this pm. We both agreed that a car and a computer were definitely higher priorities than relationships - and so much more reliable. The great thing about cars and computers is that when its time to change them, you can do it without having to take a couple of days off work and boring ones friends to distraction.

Today has been a bit of a cop out - I made such a good list last night, but I havent done a single thing on it. I love making lists now, but they have absolutely no effect whatsover on whether I actually carry anything out.

Last night at the Royal Festival Hall, Seu Jorge was fab. Once the old guys who do the doors there let people dance along the front of the stage, the place took on a definitely Brazilian air, and English rules about smoking in concert halls for example went hang. Got very drunk with Chris afterwards (it was his suggestion to go) and talked as ever about Trish and the effect of the children. God I hope they can stay together long enough to see those children leave home - they'll have a wonderful retirement, screwing and drinking cocktails.

Had sex with some guy off gaydar - cos Fabio's in New York. He said 'actually you're quite attractive'. More than could be said for him - as in most cases, he looked considerably worse than his pictures. The good thing about having fairly crap pictures is that I always get complemented on how cute I am compared to them.

Dan with some Chinese concoction or other 

When visiting the blog after some time has passed, I am concerned that certain blogs have been erased, because I am quite sure I must have written about them. What happened to the birthday blog for example? The tedium of having to write about it now hangs heavily ... lets get it out of the way. OK: eight people came: Chris, Trish, Ann, John, Dan, Armand, Andy and Geraldine. Geraldine didnt make it to the Empire as she had to paint her house with neighbours for a reason not worth recording. All the others were on time - Andy actually arrived an hour early. Concert was not as good as first time, but they played a great piece full of farmyard animals and odd musical instruments. With two cars, we drove to Canary Wharf - my fantasy of champagne on the 277 will have to be resurrected another day. I managed to get John to go in Chris and Trish's car to keep Armand and John apart. The weather was rather sunny though with a cold wind. We had cocktails while waiting to be seated in the Royal China. Didnt wait long - and we got one of the big tables at the back with a carousel. I cant remember how many dim sum we had but it was an outrageous amount of food. I paid £100 for the wine. The sun was low in the sky across the Thames and its rays filled Ann's hair with gold. She looked quite spectacular (one day I will work out how to put photos in here). We fell out onto the promenade, Chris and Trish left and I led the rest onto the boat at the bottom of the gangway. We sped off to Greenwich in the last light, the alchohol inducing the most wonderful feelings of something like stellar travel. It was a great dissapointment to have to get out, and find it had got dark and colder. The pub crawl began in the Trafalgar at which point my memory becomes overwhelmed. The photos show we went to another pub further along the river and then walked back towards the Trafalgar but went into the one before. I remember this because I wanted to go to the comedy club - this was supposed to be the end of the day, but Dan insisted we had done enough already. At the time I accepted that he was speaking for the majority, but the next day a chat with Ann made me realise that it was merely Dan's curtailment of too much pleasure that was kicking in. I wanted to go becuase by that time I couldnt concentrate on let alone contribute to a conversation and sitting in pubs was getting boring. I remember getting very loud over the fact that after walking back to the previous pub in the pursuit of lost presents, I had found them behind a pillar in the third pub and shouted at everyone for not having noticed where they were. Armand was a buying a drink at the time and the barmaid said she was worried because she was on her own and hoped I wouldnt turn violent.

That was it, more or less, and as I anticipated, I didnt much enjoy having to write that.

I could write a whole other section on the barge holiday the week before this one, but wont, though if i can work out how the photos work I will include them here.

I noticed that I mentioned Fabio in the last blog. Interesting cos our Thursday night sessions have settled down into a very pleasant routine. It has been strictly sex only up until last week when I went to the pub he works in for a drink before I went home. He is going to the States next week and has suggested I go and see his band at a gig on Tuesday beforehand. This would be rather more dramatic as I guess I'd be introduced to friends. I dont know if I want to develop the relationship - it works so well as it is now. He is very sweet, getting over a seven year relationship which finished a few months ago, but never asking more from me than I give. We both fully make the most of the affection we give eachother while we are together.

I was reminded of a birthday party I went to in Little Georgia - it was Eski's fiftieth. I sat next to her and I had just become forty. I remember asking her what the next ten years would be like and she said 'the sex is fabulous, darling!'. Well maybe it is - perhaps one has to be forty before one can have truly successful fuck buddying, when there really isnt any pressure from either of you to put a relationship around the sex. I do feel wonderfully cared for when I'm with Fabio and I really care about him too. There is absolutely no baggage to be brought to the occasion, as we havent seen or spoken to each other since the week before. It is clear, smooth and friction free. My weekends are no longer fraught with the necessity of organising a sexual encouner and becoming deserts of tedium as a result. Armand tells me that he no longer has a sexual drive and is rather pleased at the freedom this gives him. It would be a pleasure if he could also stop talking about it constantly, but maybe that's too much to expect!

Last night went to the bistrotheque with A and A to 'celebrate' my birthday - perhaps 'mark' is a better word. Food is good, place has style. So much so the place has a cult following - down a back street in the East End troop Chelsea trustafarians in pursuit of a bit of East End chic.

Have decided on my birthday celebration - on the 27th February. Starting at the Hackney Empire, we'll have croissants and coffee and take in the concert followed by drinks at the bar. We'll travel on the 277 to Royal China on the river for dim sum and then by boat to Greenwich to walk up to the observatory, finishing up in a pub on the river. Should be plenty of time to chat.

I was taken aback to receive a card signed by everyone at work. I hadn't said anything about it. V has resigned at work - she is off to work for Queen Mary which delighted A. It delights me that I will no longer have to intercede on behalf of one to the other. They were locked into a sparring relationship which fed on itself and became visible to everyone. I would like to think that I did my best to draw the sting out of it occasionally, but it was a battle that would never have been undisputably won.

Met up with F again last Thursday. I've always been a bit sniffy about that thing called chemistry that guys often talk about, but there seems to be something that drives us towards eachother which is rather mysterious. Of course a big cock cannot be overlooked in these situations.